Relational Generosity
Ever had a really bad day? You’ve been grinding away at a presentation for months, only to receive negative feedback from the client. Your boss’s frown from across the room signals an unpleasant conversation on the horizon. There’s traffic on the drive home, but you still have to stop off for groceries to make dinner. As soon as you step foot in your house (and onto a Lego) the kids are screaming over Mario Kart. Above the cacophony your partner scoffs, “You got the wrong brand of yogurt...again!” At the end of your rope, you snap: “That’s it, no video games for a week, and any Legos left on the floor are going in the trash! You make dinner!!” You storm upstairs as your partner and kids watch below, confused.
Reading all of this, you may feel that reaction is understandable. Unlike your family, you have the full context of your terrible day and how it impacted you. We tend interpret our behaviors with generosity because we all see the world through our lens – and our lens is colored by our experiences (both past and present).
Others will see the same moment through their lens, and we tend to interpret others’ behaviors with less generosity. How do you think your children and partner experienced the interaction above? How do you want your family to frame that moment? How do you interpret moments like that with others?
What is a generous interpretation of what just happened? People in secure relationships are more trusting, curious with one another, and able to give the most generous interpretation to the tough moments that happen to everyone.
Generous Interpretation:
“Wow, what was that about? Are they OK? I didn’t like that, but I know they wouldn’t have reacted that way unless they were really struggling. We should check in later.”
This generous interpretation uses curiosity (what just happened?) while also offering trust (I know they wouldn’t react that way unless they were really struggling). It also allows for human error while still holding accountability (we should check in later).
However, many people interpret without generosity:
“What’s your problem?! I can’t give you the smallest bit of feedback without you blowing up on me and making it my fault!”
If this type of explosive reaction is a pattern in your relationship, you may need to set a boundary, and that’s fair. However, this interpretation assumes negative intent (you’re making it my fault!) and is reactive instead of responsive. It’s also accusatory and blaming, and doesn’t actually set any boundaries or express impact.
Which one feels better? Which do you think sounds more generous? Are there other generous interpretations that could be given to a situation like this?
We all have stories within us. Those stories come from our past experiences – usually childhood or previous relationships. From those past experiences, we create core beliefs that shape our sense of self and view of the world. The stories we harbor influence how we interact with others. It’s up to us to recognize when we’re telling ourselves a story and check-in with the other person – is this story even true?
Do you get up every morning and think to yourself, “How can I make my partner’s day more challenging?” I’ve never met anyone who did! Although it’s hard to remember in the heat of the moment, most people don’t wake up and choose violence for their relationships. It’s good to keep this at the front of your mind. Just like you are not trying to hurt others, most others are not trying to hurt you.
When hurt inevitably happens, of course accountability is important for repair. That said, shame, judgment, and blame do not usually encourage accountability. In fact, they are deterrents. Curiosity, non-judgment, and generosity promote relationality. When we extend these to others, they are more likely to reciprocate. It may seem counterintuitive, but if you want more of something – more accountability, more connection – one of the best ways to open yourself to receiving is to be open to giving.